I said that how I arrived on Earth matters. Let me explain what I mean. But first, let me tell you how people get assignments like this one.

If your planet or planet system–your polity, however constituted–is a member of the CHW, the the CDC assigns a career diplomat to the post. If your polity does not belong to the CHW, as is the case with Earth, then three things can happen. You can have no CDC representative. You can have one, like me, from a volunteer organization dedicated to difficult cases like yours. Or you can have some mercenary son of a bitch interested only in collecting a fee for keeping an eye on you and working the same deal on as many backwater buttholes of the universe as possible. Not to put too fine a point on it.

In the case of option three, your hero will be likely to have arrived on your world via QT, Quantum Teleportation. Quantum Entanglement Teleportation to be exact. I’m going to avoid the temptation to explain what that means. You’re just starting to get the hang of it here on Earth. Check these out:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/3811785.stm

http://www.p-i-a.com/Magazine/Issue22/Physics_22.htm

I said two things about me matter a lot. The first is how I got here. The second is much easier to talk about, but its ramifications are so many and complex, that I hesitate to bring it up.

Oh, well. Baby steps, right? Let’s start with just a few simple facts without a whole lot of explanation.

Fact: I was not born on Earth.
Fact: I came here in a spacecraft.
Fact: I am intelligent (reasonably so, in any case).
Fact: By Earth standards an intelligent extraterrestrial is an “alien.”

Therefore, I am an alien.

But what is an alien? In Earth lore, aliens can be pretty much anything except for human. Aliens are interesting for this very reason. Freud would have recognized this as a kind of Ambivalenz. Wow, a walking, talking lizard! Wow, a person with a head the size of a beach ball! Wow, a second set of jaws that slides out like a silverware drawer! Ouch!!

So don’t you wonder what I look like? Aren’t you curious?

Greetings, Earth Creatures! I come in peace! Resistance is futile!

Ha, ha, ha! I’ve always wanted to say that! As someone once remarked to Schubert, “Take me to your Lieder!” Ha, ha, ha!

No, but seriously. Hello! My name is Thwendlulla Tlatnet-tholfth IX. That’s a mouthful, isn’t it? (If you want, you can learn how to pronounce it here.) I am pleased to extend to you official greetings on behalf of the Greater Human Community. That would be, in case you don’t know (and of course you don’t), all of the people living in this region of the galaxy. You can learn more about the GHC here.

I bid you welcome to the Earth Consulate (Virtual) of the Consortium of Human Worlds. I am the Consortium’s official representative on Earth, and I represent Earth to the Consortium. You’re welcome! I sincerely hope you enjoy your visit. Please take a leisurely stroll about the place and come back often. Things will be constantly changing around here, and each time you visit there may be something new for you to enjoy. Don’t forget to stop by the library.

And please, call me Thwen. For both our sakes.